I used to wonder why I even got out of bed in the morning.
I mean, I had the career, the girlfriend, the car, the money, the house, and I still had the sense that it was never enough. The only time I felt confident was when someone else described me in a positive light or gave me praise. My life was all about achievement and disappointment. I kept achieving the next thing, hoping that this would be the answer to problems.
I never looked inward.
There was a huge disconnect on what I saw happiness as and what it actually came from. I just assumed that I would eventually arrive at a place or time in life where the happiness would wash over me and I would know that all of the hard work, sacrifices, suffering, and heartbreak would pay off.
That day came a lot sooner than I anticipated and I am truly grateful for that.
Nothing seemed to have any real meaning or purpose for being. It was only when I accepted this concept that I began to find meaning. I began to see things that I was blind to. I heard things I was deaf to. I said things that I was incapable of coming up with on my own and I thought things that couldn’t be logically explained.
The suppression of my emotions and misuse of logic to understand reality brought me nothing but more questions and insecurity.
I found harmony and balance after I stopped fighting or ignoring the chaos internal conflict that raged inside of me. I don’t think life is supposed to be understood, only felt.